Stupid Things People Say in Court

So I was scrolling through news.com.au as some people tend to do so as not to have to watch the full news programs or skim through the newspaper. As I was doing this I came across an article about issues in courts with what people say and how they present themselves. I tried searching for the article to link it here but I could not find it. Therefore I did some further intensive research (as in a quick Google search and then click on the first site to pop up) into some of the stupid things that people say in court. Below I have compiled a list of some of my favourites and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. These are all taken from official court records from all around the United States of America.

Image Source: http://lawyer-jokes.mytwotails.com/topics/all-kinds-of-funny/courtroom-humor/

The following is what the accused perpetrator (representing himself) asked to the prosecutor. Needless to say he was found guilty and sentenced to a term in Jail.

ACCUSED: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

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LAWYER: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"

WITNESS: "No. He was wearing a mask."

LAWYER: "What was he wearing under the mask?"

WITNESS: "Er... his face."

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LAWYER: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"

WITNESS: "Yes."

LAWYER: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"

WITNESS: "I forget."

LAWYER: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

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LAWYER: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"

WITNESS: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
LAWYER: "How long has he lived with you?"

WITNESS: "Forty-five years."

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LAWYER: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"

WITNESS: "Yes."

LAWYER: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"

WITNESS: "Yes, sir."

LAWYER: "What did she say?"

WITNESS: "What disco am I at?"

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LAWYER: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

WITNESS: "No."

LAWYER: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

WITNESS: "No."

LAWYER: "Did you check for breathing?"

WITNESS: "No."

LAWYER: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

WITNESS: "No."

LAWYER: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

WITNESS: "Because his bran was sitting on my desk in a jar."

LAWYER: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

WITNESS: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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LAWYER: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

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LAWYER: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"

OFFICER: "Yes, I do."

LAWYER: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"

OFFICER: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

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LAWYER: "What happened then?"

WITNESS: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"

LAWYER: "Did he kill you?"

WITNESS: "No."

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LAWYER: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man --"

WITNESS: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

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The following is a collection of sentences a number of Lawyers have said. Still from official US transcripts.

LAWYER: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

LAWYER: "So you were gone until you returned?"

LAWYER: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

LAWYER: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

LAWYER: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

LAWYER: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

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LAWYER: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognise that picture."

WITNESS: "That's me."

LAWYER: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

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The Lawyer said the following when he knew he was on the verge of asking a stupid question:

LAWYER: "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

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LAWYER: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"

WITNESS: "Borofkin"

LAWYER: "What's his first name?"

WITNESS: "I can't remember."

LAWYER: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"

WITNESS: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (Rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

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LAWYER: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"

WITNESS: "She is my daughter."

LAWYER: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

I hope you enjoyed these as it took a long time to type!

Remember to think before you speak, see you tomorrow.